Chapter 01
My Health and Fitness
PREFACE
As a young adult I remember that I would always get sick at Christmas; it seemed to happen like clockwork each and every year. Perhaps not every Christmas Day, but certainly during that holiday period—whether it was December 22 or December 28. After many years of this happening, I began to realize that my internal state may have been playing a role in what I was experiencing. Whilst I was not, at the time, entirely sure of how I was doing this, I think that I was able to figure out why it was happening—so that I didn’t have to deal with Christmas. As a child, this time of year was not always a special time for me; it was not always a happy time and, as a young adult, I realized that if I got sick then I would have had an excuse as to why I didn’t “have a good Christmas.”.
Of course, twenty years later, now I know that I was angry and so I was punishing myself around this time of year.
At the time of my divorce and as I was starting to do this introspective work, I came to also realize that if I didn’t want to get sick then I wouldn’t. I came to believe that my internal state can influence how my body responds, and that I have more influence over my health than I once thought. With the exception of just this last month—when I had found myself with a poor internal attitude for an extended period of time and became sick (for a day)—I had not been sick since September 2019. That last time that I was sick, after a few days of being in bed, I stepped back and thought about what was hurting so that I might figure out why I was sick. My chest was hurting—I had a cough and congestion; my throat was sore, too.
I was able to “translate” that into my throat was hurting because there was something that I wanted to say but was stopping myself and my chest was hurting because that thing that I wanted to say had something to do with my heart. That, for me was when the penny dropped. I wanted to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but she had told me repeatedly that she did not want to get married. I decided to buy a ring and ask her anyway. I proposed to her a week later and Jennifer said yes.
And so, although my health and fitness may be an odd place to start this book, as you will see, it has relevance to everything in my life.
PREMISE
My Health is a Mirror
The big macro point of view is that what I experience at my physical three-dimensional time and space level is deeply connected to my “internal attitude.” The way I experience the external world, together with the condition of things in my life, is influenced by my internal state. Good health is supported by inner peace, and in the big picture, much of what relates to health and well-being connects back to that inner peace. At the same time, not everything in my outer circumstances originates from within me, but everything I experience is filtered through that inner component. In that sense, the world can feel like a mirror.
If I were standing in front of a mirror with a green shirt on, then I am going to have a green shirt reflect back to me, and I don’t get to negotiate with that. I can’t strike a bargain with the mirror. I can’t say, “I’m not crazy about this green shirt; can you just please produce a purple one?” No. That is not how mirrors work. They reflect what is there. In a similar way, my world of time and space reflects how I am seeing, interpreting, and holding my experience—my perspective, my inner state of peace. In the execution of all the outer tasks, whether it’s running, eating right, or anything else, there also must be an internal awareness:
How is my guilt quotient?
How am I letting go of fear?
How am I letting go of the things internally that have such a big effect on how I experience my outer life?
Feedback Apparatus
I am really on a path that is unthinkable to my ego—and that path is moving into a place where I realize that I am more than a separate physical presence. What seems to be a separate physical presence is, in many ways, a limited perception. Instead, what I really am is a kind of light presence, or a light love. I do not, in essence, have hard edges or boundaries, even though I appear to live as a physical person in a physical world.
My physical life is, therefore, a feedback loop that helps me find those places where I need to stop holding onto guilt, find the things that I need to let go of, and recognize the things that I fear. So, my goal is to let the feedback apparatus do what it is supposed to do: when things are not functioning properly externally, I can go internally to see what is being triggered, see what is coming up inside of me, and realize that I may be in a place where I need to face the fear and move through it.
This is what I need to do as I figure out my health and fitness goals. I need to recognize which of the goals are foundational and which are at the result level. The goal of my physical world is to keep moving deeper toward the core of my being, because that is where the sense of safety is, where the feeling of being loved resides, and where there is a deeper sense of strength and continuity. It is where my intuition is. It is from here that my experience of the events and circumstances of my physical life is shaped—not the other way around.
The sun does not ever get sick; the sun does not ever need anything. It is simply present. In that same way, there is something within me that is constant—something rooted in clarity, in love, and in peace—and there is nothing I can do to eliminate that.
But I can block my awareness of it if I believe that I am not a good person, if I believe I am fundamentally flawed, or if I believe I have ruined myself. If I block that awareness, it does not change what is true—it only creates a sense of disconnection from it. And when I feel disconnected, that is when I experience the sense that something is missing, or that there is something I need to fix, or something I need to become.
Likewise, my words and deeds do not have the power to destroy that deeper part of me. I can make mistakes—large and small—but they do not alter that underlying presence that is not capable of being ruined. And that is why guilt, in its absolute form, is misplaced. I can acknowledge mistakes, but the deeper issue is that I sometimes feel as though I have diminished or damaged myself at a fundamental level.
And that is the illusion.
VISION
I visualize being one with myself, being present and being in the now, listening to my intuition, having a strong internal attitude, and having a stabilizing inner sense within my world.
I want to be a role model for both my wife Jennifer and my son, Edward. I want to be well practiced in being in the now, with a grounded internal attitude, listening to my intuition—which, if I continue in that direction, supports a healthy body and a steady sense of self. I want to be physically attractive for Jennifer, to be the only man she looks at. This may have elements of ego, but it can be approached through presence—by fully listening to her and being completely engaged when I am with her.
It is fine to have goals such as losing weight and improving my blood work, but the way I reach the goals of good health and optimal functioning of the body has internal components as well as the external components of eating and exercise. The deeper engine that drives everything is internal—like the machinery underground at an amusement park that powers what is seen above.
When things go wrong in life, it may appear that there is an outer cause, that something is happening to me. But part of what I am working with is the idea that these moments can reveal something internal—something unresolved, something that I am still holding onto. Not as a matter of blame, but as an opportunity to see more clearly.
The point is not to assign fault to myself, but to notice where I am still holding guilt, where I am still holding fear, and where I am still diminishing myself. My words and deeds matter, but they do not define the core of who I am. That deeper part of me is not something that can be damaged, reduced, or lost. Where I get confused is when I believe that I have somehow fundamentally diminished myself. That is where clarity is needed.
From the perspective of my health, when something feels off, it is not only about whether I ate right or exercised correctly. It is also about whether something internally is unsettled—whether I am holding onto something that is affecting how I experience my life. At times, I can fall into the belief that past actions are still actively causing my present distress.
But the way I am working to see it is that my experience is always happening now. Cause and effect are not distant—they are immediate in how I am relating to my life in the present moment. When something feels wrong, it is an opportunity to look at what is happening within me right now—what I am holding, what I am believing, and how I am seeing myself.
I cannot change something now so that life improves twenty years from now. Change happens in the present. If I shift my internal state now, my experience shifts now. And whatever my state of mind is in the next moment, that is what will shape how life feels in that moment.
So the most important thing I can do—alongside taking care of my body—is to be fully present, to be open, to be as steady and grounded as I can be, and to be attentive to both my own well-being and the well-being of those around me. That is where a sense of health and stability comes from—not from projecting into the future, but from the quality of how I am living right now.
I believe that I am capable of being fit and healthy, and that it requires commitment and consistency. I have done it before, and I can do it again. I have the knowledge and the background to take care of myself, to eat well, and to do what is necessary to support my health.
The work is to align that knowledge with presence—and to live it, moment by moment
PURPOSE
Unresolved Guilt
If I do not get the results that I want, then I need to look at my underlying sense of guilt and address it. My goal is to have a stabilizing feeling that all is right in my world, and I cannot improve my outer well-being—whether it is health or any other area—without also addressing my inner well-being and making sure that it is steady and present in the now. I need to look at anything that is in the way of that, because unfinished internal work can undermine even my best external efforts.
It is not possible to have an outer life without an internal life. That would be like saying I want to have a body, but I do not want a skeleton inside it. If I begin to feel unwell, then it is useful to ask: what is it, right now, that may need attention or resolution? Often, there is something unresolved—something still being held onto. This does not mean that every external difficulty originates from within, but it does mean that my experience of it is shaped by what I am carrying internally.
At the core of many experiences that feel out of alignment—whether small frustrations or larger disruptions—there can be a sense of unfinished internal work, or a belief that I have somehow harmed, diminished, or failed in a lasting way. That belief can take the form of guilt, and it can influence how I experience my life.
But it is important to be clear: mistakes do not define me, and they do not reduce what I fundamentally am. The deeper issue is not that I have made mistakes, but that I may hold onto the idea that those mistakes have changed me at my core.
Injury and Health
When things go wrong with the body—whether through injury or illness—it can sometimes reflect a state of internal strain, tension, or unresolved emotion. Anger, for example, can arise when a boundary feels crossed or when something feels out of alignment. If there is a sense that I cannot respond, or that it is not safe to respond, that tension can remain within me.
At the same time, it is essential to be clear about what this perspective does not mean. It does not mean that serious illness, such as cancer or other life-altering conditions, is a person’s fault. It does not mean that someone has caused their own suffering through their thoughts or emotions. External conditions, biology, environment, and chance all play real roles in what happens to the body.
This perspective is not about blame—it is about awareness.
Even in the presence of real, external conditions, there can still be an internal experience of what is happening: how it is held, how it is processed, and how it is lived through. The purpose of looking inward is not to assign cause to oneself, but to understand one’s relationship to what is occurring.
If something is left unaddressed—whether it is a belief about myself, a fear, or a lingering emotional weight—it can continue to influence my internal state. The invitation is simply to notice what is there and to allow it to be seen and, where possible, released.
When something physical arises, I can ask: how might this be giving me feedback? What is it showing me about what I am holding onto, or how I am relating to myself? Not because I caused it, but because I am experiencing it.
Being Healthy Enables Me To:
- love myself and my body, and be free to do more, be more, and live more
- support a high degree of mental and emotional well-being
- create a life that feels full, meaningful, and aligned
- fully engage in my experiences and relationships
- It is important for me to take care of my body—through movement, nutrition, and rest—but also to remain aware of my internal state. If I am not feeling or functioning the way I want to, it may be a signal that something internal needs attention.
There can be a cost to not addressing what is within me—not as punishment, but as a continuation of imbalance. When I am aligned internally, I am better able to experience life fully in that moment.
So each day, I can make time to listen inwardly—to my intuition, to my thoughts, and to my body. Not to judge, but to understand. Not to assign blame, but to allow resolution.
That is the purpose: not to perfect the outer world, but to bring clarity and steadiness to the inner one, and to let that shape how life is experienced
STRATEGY
Loss is not my fear: loss of body, loss of love, loss of agility, or even “future losses” are not my fear. What I resist more is present-joining.
Present-joining is simply joining the present—being in the now. The ego mind wants to join at the level of the physical body, but that is not where real joining occurs. Real joining happens at a quieter, less visible level—and that unsettles the ego because it no longer has the same role. Many of the rules I’ve learned about how the world works are interpretations shaped over time. What matters most is how I am relating to my life in this moment. So, in this moment, I can choose to be appreciative—of myself and of anyone I am with.
My goal, in this moment (which is the only moment that exists), is to place my full, non-judgmental attention on being open-hearted, kind, and willing to listen—to offer as much goodwill as I can and to be fully present with whomever I am with. If I do that, then I am aligned in a way that naturally supports what comes next. Presence, appreciation, and following my inner guidance—these are the goals of now, not later. And as a result, each moment can feel internally steady, while the outer aspects of life begin to reflect that steadiness. My health and fitness can then be supported from that same place.
It is my intention to be fully present with my son, Edward, and to listen to what he has to say. That does not mean I must agree with him or do whatever he wants. It means that I give him my full, undivided, and caring attention. In that moment, I want the best for him, and I do not want anything unnecessary to interfere with our relationship.
That also does not mean I stop being a parent. If something needs to be corrected, I can still correct it. If something needs to be addressed, I can address it. The difference is the state of mind from which I do it. When I am with him, my attention should not be drifting to the past or projecting into the future. He deserves my presence. And from that, better outcomes tend to follow—not because I am controlling the future, but because I am grounded in the present.
Remembering this helps me become more aware of my thoughts in real time. It is not just what I do—it is the attitude I hold while doing it. What am I believing right now? Do I see limitation? Do I feel blocked? Do I see myself negatively? My state of mind now shapes how life feels now.
There is a story that illustrates this. A man once described being called into a meeting where his supervisor began criticizing him. In the middle of that moment, he shifted his internal state—quietly and intentionally. As he did, the tone of the interaction changed. What began as criticism shifted into appreciation. Whether dramatic or subtle, the principle is that how I meet a moment can influence how that moment unfolds.
In my interactions with Edward, with Jennifer, and with others, I want them to feel that I am here—that I am listening, that I want the best for them. My attention can be oriented toward their well-being. My ego may resist that and ask, “what about me?”—but staying aligned with presence and goodwill tends to benefit everyone involved, including me.
If I notice that I have drifted, I can return. I do not need to fix the past or analyze everything. I can simply shift my attention now. It is easy to underestimate how much influence my attention has on my experience.
As I move through my day, even in something simple like deciding whether to run, I can listen inwardly. If something does not feel right, I can allow my intuition to guide me in that moment.
I am always choosing between two orientations: following the reactive, self-protective voice of the ego, or listening to a quieter, more grounded inner guidance. Both are present, but they lead to different experiences. One is driven by fear or comparison; the other is steadier and more connected.
There are thoughts that arise—like the idea that I need to prove something or be something more in order to be accepted. Those thoughts can be noticed without being followed. They are not necessarily harmful, but they are not always helpful.
At a deeper level, there is something about me that is already whole—steady, capable, and not dependent on constant correction. Nothing about me needs to be fundamentally fixed. Many of the beliefs I have carried can be reconsidered. Each moment offers a chance to begin again. No matter what has happened before, I can choose differently now.
Rather than acting now for some distant future outcome, I can act in a way that brings alignment now. And then again in the next moment. Change happens in real time, not deferred time. No matter how off-track things may feel, they can shift as my attention shifts.
MY MEAL PLAN
When it comes to health and fitness, what I do outside the gym matters as much as what I do inside it. Anyone can exercise for an hour; it is how I live the rest of the day that matters. Discipline plays an important role here. I can remain aware of my internal attitude, stay present, and recognize the value of consistency. I can also allow myself to appreciate the results that come from that discipline.
HYDRATION
Drink 100–128 ounces of water-based fluids daily during this training cycle to maintain proper hydration.
TOXINS
I want to reduce unnecessary stress on my body. I want to take care of myself, listen to my body, and feel well day to day. At the same time, life includes balance. Moderation is important. I can be mindful of alcohol intake and aim for a level that supports how I want to feel.
OTHER PHYSICAL GOALS
My physical state is connected to my mental and emotional state. So in addition to exercise, nutrition, and supplementation, I will also focus on:
- maintaining a steady internal attitude
- allowing awareness to guide me instead of holding onto unnecessary guilt
- noticing where I am being self-critical and softening that
- keeping my attention in the present
- adjusting when something is not working
- returning to a sense that things are fundamentally okay
Sleep
Sleep is foundational. It affects how I feel and function. I will prioritize rest, aim for seven to eight hours per night, and maintain consistency where possible.
Relaxation and Meditation
Ongoing stress has real effects. I will take time to slow down, to reset, and to reconnect. This can include quiet time, being in nature, or simply allowing space to think less and feel more grounded.
Mind Guard
I will be mindful of what I take in—information, media, and environments. I can choose inputs that support clarity and well-being.
Flexibility
Strength and flexibility work together. I will stretch regularly and support mobility as part of overall health.
If I feel stuck or not aligned with my goals, I can look inward—not to assign blame, but to understand what may need attention. The purpose is not perfection, but awareness and adjustment.
That is the strategy: to return, again and again, to presence—and to live from there
