Chapter 03
My emotional life
PREFACE
When I was a very little boy I seem to remember being generally happy, but after puberty all that changed and by the time I was around fourteen years old, I was fully depressed. So much so, in fact, that I went from being a popular kid at school to a loner at school. The details are irrelevant, but it was at this stage of my childhood that my emotions not only played a big part in my life, but they controlled my life.
After I left home, I travelled hundreds of miles to “get away from my life.” At the same time, I made a conscious decision to “reinvent myself” and not be that depressed kid. It certainly appeared to work. I was dating the girl whom all the boys wanted to date, I was getting A grades in school, and was captain of a lot of different sports at my school. This seemed to be a winning formula. The problem was, of course, that all I did was shove everything under a rug—I simply buried it all.
As a young adult, I went from one non-committed relationship to another, trying to find happiness—but not at the expense of unearthing what I had so diligently buried. And so, as a young adult I managed, for the most part, to be emotionally void—I just didn’t allow emotions in my life.
During the following twenty years after “reinventing myself,” I experienced a couple of meaningful relationships whose breakups were very painful and, as I was ill-equipped to deal with these emotions, I just dug in further and put up even more of a wall to defend against future emotional sadness. If I refuse to love someone then surely I cannot get hurt again?
The birth of my child changed that. This precious life pulled the love out of me. The problem was that I was now so ill-equipped to experience emotions that once again, they began to dictate my life; this time, however, it was with emotional outbursts. I would get triggered and that would completely dictate my behavior which meant that I would operate from a position of defensiveness. From the outside, it likely looked like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Neither my wife, at the time, nor I, were happy in that marriage and our marriage became a daily feeding frenzy on each other’s triggers, and so we divorced.
In late 2017, I remember being struck by something that my new wife, Jennifer had said to me. She said that she was generally very happy, with just an occasional moment of not being happy. What was that like, I thought? I realized that I was generally unhappy, with just an occasional moment of being happy. Now, don’t get me wrong. I was very happy being with Jennifer, but I realized that my “go-to state of mind” was that of unhappiness—and that I was consciously battling that state-of-mind.
And so began my journey to accept that emotions are not bad—even the emotions on, shall we say, the unpleasant side of the scale. They are my tools of awareness and are an incredibly important part of healing. My relationship with Jennifer helps me reprogram myself, get rid of the bad code, and get rid of guilt and fear—and emotions play a big part in that.
Today, my outbursts are much fewer and shorter and when I do struggle with emotions, this book helps to remind me of the steps to take and how I can benefit from them. My Emotional Life is very important for me and to my marriage. If I had not made so much progress in this area, I do not believe my wife would have married me. My wife is not an emotional punching bag; she is, instead, my most important learning experience because my world is simply a mirror.
PREMISE
Feelings are the conscious experience of emotional reactions. Emotions themselves can be understood as signals—ways in which the mind and body communicate that something requires attention.
They are not always precise or objective, but they are meaningful.
Part of my responsibility is to notice what I am feeling and to respond appropriately—not by reacting automatically, but by becoming curious about what those emotions might be pointing to.
For example, if I feel dismissed or overlooked by someone, that feeling may not necessarily reflect their intention, but it does reflect something in my own perception. It may point to an underlying sensitivity, expectation, or belief that is being activated in that moment.
Not every emotional reaction means something is “wrong,” but strong or recurring reactions are often worth examining.
There is an important distinction between observing something and reacting to it. I can notice behavior in others without being emotionally affected, or I can notice it and feel a strong response. When there is a strong emotional response, that is often an indication that something internal has been triggered.
This applies whether I am observing something directly or indirectly. The key difference is not the situation itself, but my level of emotional involvement.
Guilt and fear are closely related in this process. Guilt often arises from how I evaluate myself—my actions, my past, or my perceived shortcomings. Fear is more directly tied to perceived threat—whether physical or psychological.
Different emotions can signal different things:
Fear often signals a perceived threat
Anger can signal a boundary that feels crossed
Sadness can reflect loss or disappointment
These signals are not inherently negative—they are part of how I process experience.
However, if I resist or suppress these emotions, they tend to intensify. The more I try to avoid them, the more persistent they become.
Instead, I can learn to acknowledge them.
If I feel a strong emotion, I can pause and allow myself to experience it without immediately attaching a story to it. My first interpretation is not always accurate. By simply noticing the feeling—without rushing to explain or fix it—I create space for a more thoughtful response.
Emotional intelligence (EI) plays a key role here. It involves both: Emotional insight: understanding what I am feeling and why Emotional regulation: managing how I respond to those feelings This does not mean controlling emotions in a suppressive way, but rather developing the ability to experience them without being overwhelmed by them.
Happiness, in this context, is not something that comes directly from external circumstances. External factors can influence how I feel, but my ongoing state of mind is shaped more by how I interpret and respond to those circumstances.
The more I carry unresolved tension, stress, or negative assumptions, the more difficult it becomes to maintain a stable sense of well-being. Conversely, when I am more grounded and aware, my experience tends to feel more balanced.
Acceptance plays an important role in this. Not passive acceptance, but recognition of what is currently present. From that point, I can choose how to respond.
This does not mean I am responsible for everything that happens in my life, but I am responsible for how I interpret and engage with it.
Over time, I have also come to see how early experiences and learned patterns can influence emotional responses. Some reactions are not about the present moment alone—they are shaped by past experiences that have not been fully processed.
When I am under significant stress, my ability to think clearly and respond with empathy can decrease. This is a normal physiological response. When the brain perceives threat, it shifts into a survival mode, prioritizing protection over reflection.
In that state, reactions become more automatic and self-focused—not because of intent, but because of how the system is designed to function under pressure.
Understanding this allows me to approach both myself and others with more awareness. It becomes less about judgment and more about recognizing what is happening in the moment.
Summary
Emotions are signals that provide insight into my internal state
Strong emotional reactions are often worth examining
Awareness allows me to respond rather than react
Emotional intelligence involves both understanding and regulation
My experience is shaped not just by events, but by how I interpret them
Developing awareness of emotions improves both my life and my relationships
VISION
I see myself developing a strong and balanced emotional life—one where I am aware of what I feel, able to experience it fully, and able to respond to it in a thoughtful and grounded way.
I visualize being in touch with my emotions without being controlled by them. I am not avoiding them, suppressing them, or reacting impulsively to them. Instead, I am noticing them, allowing them, and understanding what they are telling me.
I see myself becoming highly emotionally intelligent—not just in recognizing emotions, but in knowing how to work with them. I understand the difference between reacting automatically and responding intentionally. I am able to pause, reflect, and choose how I want to show up in any given moment.
I trust that my emotions provide useful information, even when they are uncomfortable. I am not afraid of strong emotions. I do not see them as something to fix or eliminate, but as something to understand. I allow myself to feel without immediately attaching meaning or judgment.
At the same time, I am not defined by my emotions. I recognize that they change, pass, and evolve. I am steady even when my emotions are not.
I visualize myself maintaining a sense of internal stability—where I am generally grounded, present, and aware. My default state is no longer one of underlying tension or dissatisfaction, but one of calm, openness, and clarity. When difficult emotions arise, they do not take over—they pass through.
I see myself responding to others with more patience and understanding. I am less reactive, less defensive, and more capable of listening. I recognize when I am triggered and use those moments as opportunities to learn rather than to escalate.
My relationships benefit from this. I bring a more consistent, thoughtful presence. I communicate more clearly. I am less driven by impulse and more guided by awareness.
I also see myself generating positive emotional states more consistently—not by forcing them, but by creating the conditions that support them. I spend time on things that matter to me, with people I care about, and in environments that support a sense of well-being.
I recognize what contributes to my sense of happiness—connection, presence, purpose, and meaningful activity—and I intentionally make space for those things in my life.
I am also aware of what tends to create unnecessary stress or negativity, and I reduce my exposure to those patterns where possible. Not by avoiding life, but by being more intentional about how I engage with it.
I see myself continuing to grow in self-awareness. I become more familiar with my patterns, my triggers, and my tendencies. Instead of being controlled by them, I learn from them.
I trust myself more. I am able to handle emotional situations with greater confidence. I know that even when things are difficult, I have the ability to navigate them.
I also recognize the impact this has beyond myself. As I become more emotionally grounded, I am better able to support my family, to be present for my wife, and to be a steady example for my son. My emotional life is not isolated—it influences everything around me.
Ultimately, I see myself living with a consistent sense of awareness, stability, and openness—where emotions are no longer something that control me or something I avoid, but something I understand and work with.
This is not a fixed destination, but an ongoing process—one that I continue to develop through attention, practice, and reflection.
PURPOSE
My purpose in developing my emotional life is not to eliminate emotions, but to understand them—to become aware of what I feel, why I feel it, and how I choose to respond.
For much of my life, emotions either controlled me or were something I tried to avoid altogether. Neither approach worked. Avoiding emotions did not remove them—it only delayed them. And reacting to them without awareness led to outcomes that did not serve me or the people around me.
My purpose now is to take ownership of my emotional experience.
That begins with listening. When I feel something strongly, instead of immediately reacting or trying to suppress it, I want to notice it. I want to understand what it is pointing to. Emotions, especially strong ones, often indicate that something important is happening internally—something worth paying attention to.
I do not want to be reactive. I want to be responsive.
This means allowing myself to feel emotions fully, without being overwhelmed by them, and without immediately assigning blame—to myself or to others. It means creating space between the feeling and the action.
As I develop this awareness, I become better able to recognize patterns—what tends to trigger me, what creates stress, and what contributes to a sense of stability and well-being.
A key part of this process is recognizing that my emotional experience is influenced by how I interpret situations. While I cannot control everything that happens, I can develop greater awareness of how I perceive and respond to it.
By doing this, I reduce unnecessary emotional reactivity and create more consistent emotional balance.
Another important part of my purpose is to improve the quality of my relationships. Emotions play a central role in how I communicate, how I listen, and how I connect with others. The more aware I am of my own emotional state, the more effectively I can engage with the people around me.
This is especially important in my role as a husband and a father. My emotional presence affects not only me, but also my family. By becoming more stable, aware, and thoughtful in how I handle emotions, I create a better environment for those closest to me.
I also want to model this for my son, Edward—to show him what it looks like to handle emotions with awareness rather than avoidance or reactivity.
At a broader level, my purpose is to create a life where my emotional state is not dominated by stress, defensiveness, or underlying dissatisfaction, but instead reflects greater stability, clarity, and openness.
This does not mean I will always feel positive. It means I will be better equipped to handle whatever I feel.
Happiness, in this context, is not something I chase directly, but something that emerges when I am living in alignment—when I am aware, present, and responding thoughtfully rather than reacting automatically.
Ultimately, my purpose is to live consciously within my emotional life—to understand it, to work with it, and to allow it to support rather than control how I live.
That is what creates meaningful and lasting change
STRATEGY
My strategy for my emotional life is built on awareness, not avoidance. It is not about controlling emotions or trying to eliminate them, but about learning how to recognize them, experience them, and respond to them in a more intentional way.
Step 1: Awareness Before Reaction
The first step is noticing.
When I feel an emotional response—especially a strong one—I want to become aware of it as early as possible. Instead of immediately reacting or acting on impulse, I pause.
I ask:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Where do I feel it?
- How intense is it?
- This creates space between the emotion and my response.
I do not need to immediately understand it or solve it. The goal at this stage is simply awareness.
Step 2: Allow the Emotion
Once I notice the emotion, I allow it.
Rather than trying to suppress, fix, or escape it, I let myself experience it. This means feeling it without immediately attaching a story or explanation to it.
My first interpretation is not always accurate. If I rush to explain the emotion, I may reinforce a misunderstanding. Instead, I focus on the physical and emotional experience itself.
When I allow emotions to be present without resistance, they tend to pass more naturally. When I resist them, they tend to intensify.
Step 3: Separate Feeling from Interpretation
After allowing the emotion, I can begin to look at how I am interpreting the situation.
- What am I telling myself about what just happened?
- Is that interpretation necessarily accurate?
- Is there another way to view this?
- This step is critical. Emotions are real, but the meaning I attach to them is not always reliable.
By separating the feeling from the story, I reduce unnecessary reactivity and create room for a more balanced perspective.
Step 4: Choose a Response
Once I have created space and examined my interpretation, I can choose how to respond.
Instead of reacting automatically, I ask:
What response aligns with who I want to be?
What outcome am I trying to create?
This allows me to act intentionally rather than impulsively.
Sometimes the best response is to say something. Other times it is to wait. The key is that the response is chosen—not driven by the initial emotional surge.
Step 5: Learn from Patterns
Over time, I want to recognize patterns in my emotional life.
What situations consistently trigger me?
What themes show up repeatedly?
What environments or interactions tend to create stability or instability?
By observing these patterns, I can better understand myself and make adjustments where needed.
This is not about judgment—it is about learning.
Step 6: Support Emotional Stability
I can also take practical steps to support a more stable emotional baseline.
Things that help include:
Spending time with people I care about
Being in environments that feel calm and supportive
Engaging in activities that bring a sense of fulfillment
Taking care of my physical
health
Creating space for reflection and quiet
These do not eliminate difficult emotions, but they create conditions where I am better able to handle them.
Step 7: Use Emotions as Feedback
Rather than seeing emotions as problems, I use them as feedback.
If I feel consistently stressed, something needs attention
If I feel calm and engaged, I am likely aligned with what matters
If I feel triggered, there may be something worth understanding
Emotions are not instructions—they are signals.
Step 8: Continue Refining
This is an ongoing process.
I will not always get it right. There will be moments where I react too quickly or miss the opportunity to pause. But each time I notice that, I have another opportunity to improve.
The goal is not perfection—it is progress.
Overall Principle
My emotional strategy is simple:
Notice what I feel
Allow it without resistance
Question my interpretation
Choose my response
By consistently applying this approach, I build a more stable, aware, and intentional emotional life—one where emotions support me rather than control me.
