Chapter 11
My quality of life
PREFACE
My Quality of Life has, for most of my life, meant living my best life in terms of material things. I imagined that a good quality of life was a large house / apartment, nice car(s), traveling first class, eating out at expensive restaurants, and having the funds to basically do whatever I want. I guess within this was also having a career that I enjoyed—i.e., enjoying my time at work—but probably also be in a job that gave me status in the eyes of others.
And that’s the thing—living a life that others wanted to live seemed, back then, to be the yardstick for measuring my Quality of Life.
As I look back over my life, at least until recently, I appear to have headed in a direction that mirrored the above, or at least tried to. Being happy was not something that I thought much about. I guess I figured that the closer I got to attaining all of these things, then the happier I would be. I think most people, at least in western cultures, think the same—if I can get the (material) things that I want, then that will make me happy, or if I date or marry the prettiest girl then that will make me happy. But of course, it does not. If I was unhappy before attaining these material things, I will be unhappy after attaining them. Perhaps not to the same extent—because, let’s face it, money does lessen some of the difficulties one might face, but overall, I would still be unhappy.
I recognize that a good Quality of Life is going to vary from person to person and from place to place. In some places, simply not being washed away by a flood may be considered a good Quality of Life; in others, not being bombed or shot in a war zone may be considered a good Quality of Life. In the US, having food on the table and a roof over the family’s head may also be considered having a good Quality of Life. Yes, they are all a function of what the “equation of a Good Quality of Life” may be, but I have come to recognize that there is a bigger part of it.
Comfort may lead to a higher Quality of Life, or rather a lack of comfort (which is relative) may deteriorate one’s Quality of Life, but when I dig deeper, I now realize that the material things in life are not part of my goal; they are a result of my goal, but not what I should aim for.
I should also always remember that it is my responsibility and within only my ability (and nobody else’s) that happiness comes from. Nobody can “make me” be happy or unhappy; nobody can inject those feelings into me. Remembering that helps me take responsibility for my own happiness. Being happy is a great Quality-of-Life.
PREMISE
My career is what I do (work wise). Historically, I have never believed that I had a choice in my career. I used to think that “I just fell into things by accident.” However, I now know that there are no “accidents” and I can choose what I do. I know now that I am not a victim, and am in complete control of my world. My thoughts control my world, and I am not just blindly living my life.
For me, Quality of Life is the sum total of the other eleven categories in this Lifebook; it is a reflection of my overall peace and happiness. It’s helpful to remember that happiness is really what I am and not what I have—because happiness is internally generated. What really makes me happy is being present, loving and accepting. I can be in warm weather on my boat and my beloved water, but if I am busy feeling guilty or hating somebody, these things are not going to make me happy. The simple thing to remember is everything and everyone is actually love incarnate. If I’m not seeing that love with my interactions with somebody then it’s because I have projected my own guilt onto them.
I acknowledge that society generally gives other measures (rather than happiness) priority in assigning a Quality of Life—but that is perhaps because happiness is subjective and difficult to measure. Happiness, as much as it can be measured, does not increase correspondingly with the comfort that results from increasing income. My happiness is not going to depend on my income, but instead, where my head is today. I can have as much money as I want, but if I still hate myself today, it’s not going to work out well, no matter how much more money I receive. Instead, I should develop inner peace—which will ensure a high Quality of Life.
It does not really matter what my idea of a good life is, the most important thing is that I create for myself a life that I enjoy now and every day.
The WHO—World Health Organization—defines Quality of Life as an individual’s perception of their position in life in the context of the culture and value systems in which they live and in relation to their goals, expectations, standards, and concerns. This chapter refers to me living in the United States where certain standards of living are available and expected. If I were writing a document that applies to people who live in say, Pakistan, then perhaps whatever they might consider their good Quality of Life might be just not being washed away in floods, etc.—and so in different parts of the world, it would be a very different standard that indicates what is a good Quality of Life.
In the big picture, Quality of Life is just a feeling of being safe and happy and peaceful and beloved, a feeling that all’s right with my world, particularly, at the time and space level. The idea of feeling safe is the reason why people think they want money, and particularly in our culture, it is often assumed that people will be safer if they have money.
There are two aspects of personal well-being: Emotional well-being—the quality of my everyday emotional experiences—the frequency and intensity of my experiences of, for example, joy, affection, stress, sadness, anger, and life evaluation—i.e., life in general often evaluated against a scale such as the relationship between my Quality of Life and productivity (i.e., thriving) or in terms of health care, wealth, and materialistic goods, etc. Another way to measure might be to evaluate the scope of how I have fulfilled my own ideals. Put more simply, how I have fulfilled this Lifebook.
So, ultimately, safety, whether it’s safety of the physical body or safety of a reputation or safety of my business or safety of my child, dictates my Quality of Life. Even if I don’t articulate it and even if I am not specifically thinking about—at any given moment, safety is probably the number-one thing. Like everything else, feeling safe is an internal process—I could live in a fortress but if I felt like my fortress is always being besieged by enemies, I may still not be able to relax into that feeling of being safe nor have that feeling that all’s right in my world. FYI, I am defining safe as a lack of fear.
Quality of Life might also refer to the time and the ability to do things that I enjoy. For example, within my career, if a job pays a lot of money but requires so many working hours that I cannot enjoy the money that I have earned, then that is a poor Quality of Life. If a job provides the time to enjoy my life but leaves me too tired, injured, stressed out, or otherwise unable to enjoy my earnings, this is another detriment to the Quality of my Life.
VISION
As I might be measuring my Quality of Life through how I fulfill my own ideals or through my inner state of mind, then I visualize each category as follows:
- My Health and Fitness: Being healthy and feeling healthy inside and out.
- My Intellectual Life: A good Quality of Life might include exercising my mind daily, growing intellectually.
- My Emotional Life: Emotions allow me to discover and then let go of guilts. I visualize always feeling them and then releasing myself from the fight or flight response as well as being able to explore what guilt needs to be released. Happiness is a state of mind that I want to experience as much as possible.
- My Character: Moral order or living lovingly is what stamps my character. Whilst looking for the best Quality of Life for myself I cannot violate this. This means that I cannot cheat, lie, or take advantage of people, etc.
- My Spiritual Life: To me that means being one with the world; it’s following my intuition, being grateful and forgiving. What I give to others is strengthened in me and this will lead to happiness.
- My Love Relationship: For richer, for poorer, spending time with my wife is an important part of my life. Traveling, eating and drinking, and doing enjoyable things with Jennifer is an exceptionally high priority and contributes enormously to my highest Quality of Life. She also provides a mirror for me to see, discover, and then let go of guilt.
- My Parenting: I have responsibilities to my son, Edward. I also enjoy spending time with him and watching him grow. My son means the world to me.
- My Social Life: My handful of close friends are becoming more and more important to me. Spending time and sharing with them underlines my Quality of Life. Just like all other relationships, this is a mirror.
- My Financial Life: Having sufficient finances enables me to enjoy the ego part of life—it enables me to travel, to live well, and to share.
- My Career: A work/play balance is a high priority in ensuring a high Quality of Life because I need to enjoy life, not just be working all the time.
Material things can contribute to making me happy—but only if I am already happy (it’s more like they can reveal the happiness). Note: I have the choice to be happy or not. Nobody can make me happy other than myself. I should be consciously grateful for the material things in my life. Material things can become an anchor, too, if I have the wrong attitude. They can weigh me down if I over-do it. It’s, therefore, a balancing act.
The quality of my experiences is often the best thing for gauging (and then improving, if necessary) my Quality of Life. Playing with and spending time with Edward; travel; dates with Jennifer; experiences with friends like Rolf, Jane, Sam, Harriette and Dwight; having unique experiences—to experience life from a different perspective reminds me what a miracle life truly is.
I visualize living comfortably—which is going to vary from one person to the other; but living comfortably and safely in an environment that works for me is absolutely my birthright. And the only way that I can have this outer expression of my birthright is to claim my inner heritage of being literally beloved and innocent and good. I need to always remember that I haven’t ruined myself.
PURPOSE
My purpose in life is to love my neighbor and myself. In doing so, I should remember that love and connection are the key. My Quality-of-Life purpose is not about having the most money I can obtain—because that only has a worldly sense to it, but rather my purpose in life is releasing guilt and in so doing this allows for more love. The automatic fallout of more love is going to be a better Quality of Life. Note my purpose is a higher Quality of Life—money is simply the result. My purpose is to follow my intuition, release guilt, and monitor my own thinking—so that my thinking becomes more loving and more inclusive. So why do I want a higher Quality of Life? It is the accumulation of all the other categories.
My highest Quality of Life is whatever is related to my sense of happiness and my own internal sense of quiet, innocence, and deserving. This is automatically going to continue to create my highest Quality of Life. There are many people who have lots of money but are not happy. If I think money is going to make me happy, then I need to go back to the drawing board because I’m always going to have exactly the amount of money that seems to be required for me to live my highest and best life. It might be X amount; it might be five times X amount and it will vary all over the map for different people, of course.
The truth is that I am the one who creates my own sense of self and the more guilt that I drop, then the more I will see. Yes, I have made a lot of mistakes, but I have never touched the innocence of my own being. And the more that becomes really anchored into me, then the more I will just have no idea, necessarily, where my income will come from, but I can count on it being there. It is my own beloved innocent nature that is all the prosperity that I need.
Of course, it’s not that I have to make myself into an innocent, loving being—I am already that—but I do have to keep recognizing that that’s indeed what I am and keep looking to discard anything that blocks my awareness of that.
The purpose of my Quality-of-Life regimen is to enable me to dig deeper into myself, to make sure that I have a stable and present inner well-being (the feeling that all is right in my world). If I am not well, or something is out of harmony with the way I think that life ought to be, it’s because there is something that has its origin in guilt that is unresolved—there’s either unfinished work or the belief that somehow, I really have hurt myself or others in the past. Failing to release guilt will reduce my Quality of Life (accidents or a sickness, lack of money, relationships not functioning well, life not working out for the best, etc.). The Universe will make me aware of where there are lingering things in my way, and, to remove the barriers, I must look inwards for self-discovery.
The purpose of my Quality of Life is the same as my purpose in life—which is to align myself with the truth of myself—the presence of love or the real experience of joy. The purpose is to really have the direct experience of the consciously aware presence that I am. When I do that, then automatically everybody around me, and even way beyond, is going to automatically benefit. If the purpose of my life is anything other than that, it’s going to be egoistic in some way—including the notion of how to be a better person kind of thing.
STRATEGY
To improve my Quality of Life I should work on improving my inner peace by spending more time being present and accepting towards others; this will inevitably lead to improving my work-life balance (which, to be honest is pretty good just now), improving my relationships (my relationship with my wife is better than it ever has been—but there is still room for improvement), improving my home environment, and improving my health.
I can make my Quality of Life a reality by making my financial vision a reality—i.e., integrate my Quality-of-Life vision into my financial strategy, but I should not get trapped into confusing cause and effect. Rather than thinking that great finances improve my Quality of Life it would be better, or more constant, to better my own sense of love, not in a romantic sense, but as Carl Rogers would say—unconditional, positive regard. The more that I approach things with unconditional, positive regard, the more that I don’t have to worry about having a great Quality of Life—because all of that’s going to be taken care of automatically.
Live well and do what it takes, but don’t hurt other people in the process. Banish the causes of stress and chaos—but don’t ignore them if they arise in your life—instead listen to them—it will be the universe trying to tell you something.
Studies have found that practicing gratitude and meditation can improve my Quality of Life because doing so helps me to stay focused. I find that being in a calm, relaxing environment that is tranquil, warm, and loving helps me listen to my intuition. I might also try the following:
- Sight and sound of water.
- Relaxing and calming music.
- Living things—plants, flowers, trees.
- Aromatherapy.
- Fire—calming and warming.
- Remove clutter. Lose anything that doesn’t fit. I am in the process of doing this. Jennifer is, of course, spearheading it; I need to follow her direction and just do it.
The quality of my inner life controls the quality of my outer life.
Oftentimes, I find that I tend to look at life as a whole panorama or something like that, but the reality is that I’m really only living one moment at a time and that moment is where my focus is right now in this moment. Whatever happened in the past does not exist anymore and so it’s not anything that I have to guard against or worry about, which is, of course, contrary to everything that I had ever been taught. The past simply doesn’t exist, and my future doesn’t exist either. But right now is when I’m deciding where to place my attention and with that what is important in this moment.
And so, I’m either following my ego—my sense of promotion and protection of my ego self or I’m following my intuition (my sense of intuitively knowing what’s right). Living, in general, can be reduced to something that is that simple.
With this in mind, it becomes obvious that if I’m in a defense mode, then I’m either in the promotion or in the protection of my ego and so I’m not, in the core of my being, feeling safe. The feeling of needing to protect myself from somebody or something automatically means that I can’t totally relax and feel safe. Even if I believe in the idea that there’s even a potential possibility that a really clever enemy is going to jump out of the bushes and get me, then I can’t fully relax into the moment and so can’t feel safe.
This is the reason why defenses actually make me feel unsafe, which is the opposite of what I may have thought—because defenses were supposed to make me safe. But no; “in my defenseless, my safety lies and if I defend myself, I am attacking because the process of defending says that I truly believe in enemies and I truly believe there’s something outside of me that can disturb me in some way or hurt me in some way.” In the process of defending, I prove to myself that there’s something greater than me that can get me and so I’ve got to protect myself from it. Therefore, I can’t have defenses and feel safe.
I always have what I give so I should recognize that when I’m defending against something, either literally living in a fortress or a psychological fortress, what I’m doing is saying to the world or the person in front of me that I believe that they are guilty of at least the possibility or the desire to attack me. In other words, I am judging them as guilty ahead of time because if I feel like I must live in my fortress, then the implication is because they could possibly be the enemy, and with that they could possibly be guilty of trying to hurt me.
Defenses also offer someone else—“the gift” of being a guilty person. And what we keep forgetting is that what I offer to someone else, like this potential gift of guilt, I have more of myself. Therefore, defenses are going to increase my own sense of guilt and also my own sense that punishment might lurk around every corner. Of course, it’s not the way I was ever taught in this world, but it’s the way life actually works.
To live a life that’s safe, honorable, and productive as well as having everything that I actually want at any given moment in time requires the letting go of guilt because guilt always asks for punishment in some way. Living defenselessly is an acquired art—it’s not anything that’s encouraged in western cultures. Remember, the quality of my inner life controls the quality of my outer life.
Having a great Quality of Life would not include warfare or arguments, etc. because in my relationships, other people reflect something that’s going on with me. What I see in other people, I put there to see—through projection.
It’s very important to look at the words that I don’t like in somebody else because those words are what I fear about myself. It’s the root of the discord—because I am simply projecting. I don’t necessarily know how I do this, or what I am doing; nor is it a deliberate thing. It would just be like if I stood in front of a mirror—I don’t do anything about anything and the image just shows up. It’s not like I go through a process to make the image show up; it just automatically shows up and this is kind of the same thing.
I might not want whatever it is I fear about myself to be projected back to me but I do so because I’m carrying guilt about that particular characteristic, and therefore, I’m undermining my Quality of Life with guilt. It’s antithetical (directly opposite) to my Quality of Life.
If someone is exhibiting behavior that I do not like, or saying words that I do not like, they are simply being a messenger who’s helping me see what I still feel guilty about—and so, in the big picture, that person is doing me a service because once I can really wrap my head around the fact that I’m attacking myself for this behavior that I fear is my own, then there’s no way that that is going to improve my Quality of Life. No, it is going to make it worse. In other words, what humankind does is project onto other people what they are trying to get rid of in themselves. If I can see it in somebody else, then I am not guilty of it—which is, of course, nonsense.
This is the process, so to speak, by which I try to unload my guilt onto someone else and it’s not anything that I do on purpose or even knowingly, but that is in fact what I do. Once I recognize that my upset is not because someone is being illogical, or hurtful, or whatever annoying aspect I feel is making me upset, then my upset is over, my own self-attack is over, as is my own guilt that I’m the illogical one (or insert whatever adjective I feel that is upsetting me).
A lot of this stays buried in the unconscious mind and I don’t realize that’s what’s going on—so that’s my homework—to realize that I must know what’s happening in my unconscious mind because that’s what is driving the details of my outer life because it’s not just what I’m conscious of—it’s also what I’m not conscious of that I need to take a look at as well.
Thinking in terms of “I am the good one and he/she is the bad one; I’m the one that is reasonable, and he/she isn’t” is just an extrapolation of the idea of projection and is partly how I live “in my fortress.” I’m the one who’s just fine and all these other people out there aren’t. But the problem is that doesn’t uncover or acknowledge the guilt, which is the self-attack that’s going on within me. And if I won’t acknowledge the self-attack that’s going on within me, then how am I going to let it go? I’m not going to let go of something that I insist isn’t there. And so, all those things that are unconscious to me, primarily in this case, guilt, undermines my Quality of Life, and just because I’m not aware of the guilt does not mean that it’s not active and interfering with my Quality of Life.
Of course, the only way that I can read what’s going on in my unconscious mind is by reading what’s going on in my outer universe, i.e., what’s going on in my life.
And that’s why relationships are so powerful and so important in improving the quality of my life—because if I have no idea about the stuff in my unconscious mind that is driving me—especially the things that I feel guilty about—then, even though I can try my darndest at my outer life and try to fix things and avoid things and do this right, I will undermine myself because I will not realize that I have an unconscious life as well as a conscious life. It is my unconscious mind that in many ways is driving the bus.
Learning and discovering what those things are, where I am sabotaging myself, I do through relationships—because I can’t go directly into my unconscious mind. That’s why it’s called an unconscious mind—I don’t know what’s there, but relationships will show me what’s there.
It usually seems like I am having a fight with somebody else but in reality it is not—I’m simply having a war with myself—because I’m warring over something that I fear about myself and so it is not going to have a good outcome. But if I can be merciful to this aspect of myself, then clearly, once again, my Quality of Life is going to be better compared to if I’m warring with myself. I might think there’s some way I can be victorious, but if I realize I’m only fighting with myself, there can be no such thing as a victory and with that knowledge, it just puts things in a very different light.
15 Essential Tips to Improve my Quality of Life
- Focus on eating well: What I consume affects my health and living healthy should be a priority for everyone. Feed more on healthy diets with fruits, vegetables, proteins, low-calorie carbohydrates, and healthy fat. This is all outlined in the health chapter.
- Practice personal hygiene: There is that feeling of joy that comes when I look around me and see that everything is in order. Keep my surroundings clean and keep my body clean as well. This is all outlined in the health chapter.
- Identify what makes me happy: What do I want out of life and what gives me real satisfaction? I should think about that. Everyone deserves to be happy—and this is completely unrelated to whether I have millions of dollars stacked up somewhere or not. This is all outlined in the emotions chapter.
- Stop stressing so much: Life is full of troubles, but I can trust in the process of having unconditional positive regard, trust that I am in control of my life and trust my intuition. This will get me off that train and de-stress myself—which is a primary factor in improving my Quality of Life.
- Spend more time with loved ones: What beats the feeling of being around people that I care for and who care for me? Even whilst going through the busy schedules of life, I should not forget to spend ample time with my loved ones. Of course, these relationships are a mirror. This is all outlined in the love life and social life chapters.
- Get into my productivity zone: A good life also entails being highly productive. I do not plan on going through life without getting anything done, or without affecting other lives.
- Keep moving forward: I can choose not to be static and believe in the power of growth due to the power of my intuition and inner peace. I ought to improve in everything that I am doing and in that way I attain growth. Follow this Lifebook, improve upon this Lifebook. Moving forward is literally improving my Quality of Life.
- Get some good sleep whilst I am at it: The importance of sleep in my everyday life cannot be overemphasized. The quality of sleep I get affects both my physical and mental health. It allows me to have time in the day to be grateful and to be present. Whatever I do, ensure that I get at least seven hours of sleep each night. Remember this for my wife too—who struggles with getting enough sleep sometimes. Be patient with her when she does not. This is all outlined in the health chapter.
- Exercise regularly: Several studies have highlighted the importance of exercise to health and Quality of Life. Get my workout boots back on. This is all outlined in the health chapter.
- Develop and maintain healthy relationships: Relationships play a crucial role in my mental health. Go out and meet new people, socialize, and develop supportive relationships. Study shows that a healthy relationship can help contribute to my happiness, increase psychological well-being, and reduce depression. I already know the importance of relationships being a mirror—all relationships—not just my love relationship with Jennifer. This is all outlined in the Love Life Chapter, the Social Life Chapter, and the Parenting Life Chapter.
- Find meaning in my job: My job is a vital part of my life. If I were to work in a toxic environment, it would negatively affect me. Am I happy with my job/career? Do I find meaning, direction, and purpose in it? Discover what makes it truly meaningful and if I need to change it. This is all outlined in the Career Chapter.
- Set aside time for leisure: There is the saying that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Yes, life is always busy and some days, I might even feel like twenty-four hours is not enough to accomplish my plans for the day. But, in the midst of it all, give me some time to relax and have fun.
- Disconnect from unhealthy relationships: Just as healthy relationships can increase my Quality of Life, unhealthy relationships can cause conflicts and bring stress which reduces my Quality of Life. However, I should not simply cut them off—that would be just brushing issues under the rug, so to speak. Instead, I should listen to my intuition and figure out why I may have some relationships in my life that I feel are unhealthy. Relationships are simply a mirror—if I do not like something about someone, then I need to look inward—it will always be something that I am feeling guilty about. I, therefore, should not cut someone out my life simply because I do not like something that I perceive that they are doing—that would be foolish as I do not get to the root cause—and therefore, nothing will change. Instead, any unhealthy relationships should be addressed from my own perspective and fully understand that I am feeling guilty about that exact same thing in my own life. Let go of the guilt, and with that, a toxic relationship will improve. This is outlined in My Social Life Chapter.
- Smiling and meditating: Smiling shows that I have lots of positive energy around me, irrespective of what life throws at me. It takes me away from depression and elevates my mood. Meditation, just like smiling, works to relieve stress, ease anxieties, and lower blood pressure—because both of these puts me in touch with my inner-peace. This is outlined in My Spirituality Chapter
- Read and learn every day: Learning affects various spheres of my life and improves my Quality of Life. Learn new skills, read books, get informed about things happening around me. This is outlined in My Intellectual Life Chapter.
MY ENVIRONMENT
The environments that I create and live in are an extension of me as a person. It gives material form to the contents of my mind and spirit. It is the physical reflection of my thoughts and with that, my values, aesthetics, and personality.
My environment should be incredibly important to me because I already understand the feedback loop it creates. The qualities it radiates totally permeate my life. If I live in a disorganized, hectic, and stressful environment, my life will be disorganized and stressful, because that is what I have manifested/created for myself. Likewise, if I am surrounded every day by beauty, tranquility, and sensuality—my life will literally be more beautiful, tranquil, and sensual—because I must have inner peace in order to be surrounded by such beauty and tranquility (otherwise I would not recognize it as such).
My environment will be in perfect harmony with the person that I believe myself to be. Therefore, I will strive to have inner peace to create environments that clearly project the values, moods, and feelings that I want in my life on a continuous basis.
