Chapter 06
My love relationship
“Relationships are part of the big 3
Health, Finance and Relationships”
Carol
PREFACE
My divorce from my first wife was one of the most difficult periods in my life. News of my impending divorce came just hours after spending an hour and a half on the phone, for the very first time, with my mentor, Carol, who had pressed me to answer two very straightforward questions:
What is my biggest guilt?
What is my greatest fear?
My answers surprised me.
My biggest guilt was not loving my wife, at the time, in the way she wanted or deserved. My greatest fear was losing my child through divorce. What I did not understand then was something much deeper—that I did not truly love myself. And without that foundation, it was not possible for me to show up fully in a loving relationship with someone else.
Looking back, I can see that I was not as present, as aware, or as aligned as I believed I was. There were ways in which I fell short—not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t yet understand what was driving my behavior, my reactions, and my patterns.
A few months later, I began a simple practice. I repeated a mantra throughout the day: “I love myself; I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to love.” It may sound simple, but it marked a shift. About a week after beginning that practice, Jennifer came into my life.
So when I’m asked how I met my wife, I sometimes say, “I wished for her.” Of course, if you ask Jennifer, you’ll get a much more detailed—and probably more accurate—version of that story.
My love for Jennifer grows each day, and as it grows, I grow as a person. That growth hasn’t come from perfection—it has come from becoming more aware. From recognizing my own patterns. From learning how to respond instead of react. From understanding that conflict in a relationship is not about winning or losing, but about understanding and alignment.
There are still moments where I fall short. Moments where I could be more patient, more present, or more thoughtful. But the difference now is that I can see those moments more clearly, and I am better equipped to learn from them rather than repeat them.
One of the most important shifts for me has been understanding the foundation of conflict—not as something caused by another person, but as something that often reflects what is unresolved within me. That realization has changed how I approach disagreements, how I communicate, and how I show up in my relationship.
When Jennifer and I disagree, I try to remember something simple but powerful: we are on the same side. There is no winner and no loser—there is only whether we move forward together or not.
I won’t live forever, and there are four primary reasons for writing this book. The two most relevant to this chapter are:
To hold myself accountable. By making this public and by sharing it with my wife, I am choosing to be transparent about what I believe, how I think, and who I am working to become.
To better communicate my thoughts and beliefs to my wife, Jennifer.
I love and appreciate you, Jennifer.
PREMISE
Spirituality is intangible; religion, on the other hand, is a system of collective beliefs with rules, often passed down through generations—from parents and through upbringing. Spirituality, as I understand it, is my relationship with the universe. It is not something rigid or inherited, but something experienced and explored. It is not about a person, but about awareness—about how I relate to myself and to others.
Over time, I have come to see that relationships play a significant role in revealing things about myself—my reactions, my assumptions, and the beliefs I carry. In the past, I was more likely to focus on what another person was doing wrong, rather than reflecting on how I was interpreting or responding to those situations. I don’t always get this right even now, but I am becoming more aware of it.
Relationships have a way of highlighting areas where I may feel insecure, misunderstood, or reactive. They don’t create those feelings out of nowhere, but they can bring them to the surface. When I experience frustration, annoyance, or conflict, I try to look more closely at what is being triggered in me, rather than assuming that the issue exists entirely outside of me.
Emotions are an important part of this process. They influence how I perceive situations and how I act. I have learned that while emotions are valid, they are not always accurate indicators of reality. If I feel annoyed or triggered, it doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is wrong—it may mean there is something in my interpretation that needs to be understood more clearly.
In the past, I often reacted quickly to these emotions. I would interpret behavior at face value and respond accordingly. Now, I try—imperfectly but intentionally—to pause and consider what might actually be going on beneath the surface. Sometimes I succeed at this, and sometimes I don’t. But the awareness itself has made a difference.
In my relationship with my wife, Jennifer, I try to operate from the belief that we are both doing the best we can with the understanding we have at the time. That doesn’t mean ignoring issues or avoiding difficult conversations—it means approaching them with the intention to understand rather than to win.
I also recognize that I have brought my own patterns into this relationship—assumptions, reactions, and habits shaped by past experiences. There have been times where I have misinterpreted situations, reacted too strongly, or failed to communicate clearly. These are areas I continue to work on.
Relationships are foundational to my life—my home, my family, my work, and my overall sense of well-being. When my relationships are grounded, respectful, and supportive, everything else tends to function better. But that doesn’t happen automatically—it requires attention, effort, and a willingness to reflect and adjust.
I am still learning how to do that better.
PURPOSE
My purpose in my relationship is to grow—both as a partner and as a person—and to use the relationship as a way to better understand myself, my patterns, and the beliefs that influence how I think, feel, and act.
Over time, I have come to see that relationships tend to reveal things that are not always obvious to me on my own. They bring out reactions, emotions, and patterns that I might otherwise overlook. In the past, I did not always recognize this. I was more likely to focus on what the other person was doing, rather than considering what my own responses might be showing me.
When something feels frustrating or difficult in a relationship, I try to pause and ask what is actually happening beneath the surface. Not to assign blame to myself or to the other person, but to better understand the situation and how I am experiencing it. This does not mean that everything is my responsibility, nor does it mean ignoring behavior that needs to be addressed. It means taking ownership of how I interpret and respond to what is happening.
Relationships, especially close ones, tend to highlight recurring patterns. When something continues to come up, it is often worth paying attention to. Not every pattern has a clear or immediate explanation, but the repetition itself is meaningful.
For example, I have noticed that reliability has been a recurring theme in my relationships. Times where I have felt frustrated when someone says they will do something and then does not follow through. When I reflect on that, I can see a connection to my own past.
During my time running a modeling agency, there were many instances where I told people that I would pay them on a certain day, knowing that the funds were not yet available. From my perspective at the time, this felt like the least harmful option. Saying “I will pay you on Tuesday” felt more manageable than admitting that I could not pay them at all in that moment. Looking back, I can see that while it may have felt like a necessary choice at the time, it also created a pattern of unreliability.
The discomfort I feel now around reliability in others is not random. It is connected, at least in part, to my own past behavior and the way I have processed it over time. Recognizing that does not excuse anything, but it does provide context and helps me respond with more awareness instead of reacting automatically.
This kind of reflection is not about self-criticism—it is about understanding. It allows me to respond differently, with more patience and less immediate judgment.
I also try to consider that the other person is likely doing the best they can with the awareness and resources they have at that moment. That does not mean that every action is acceptable or that boundaries are unnecessary, but it does shift the way I interpret behavior. Instead of assuming intent or assigning negative meaning immediately, I try to allow for the possibility that there is more going on beneath the surface.
There have been many times where I have misinterpreted situations—where I believed something meant one thing, only to later realize that my interpretation was incomplete or incorrect. Recognizing this has helped me become more cautious about jumping to conclusions.
The purpose of my relationship, therefore, is not just companionship—it is also growth. It is an opportunity to become more aware of how I think, how I react, and how I can improve.
That growth does not happen all at once. It happens gradually, through repeated experiences, reflection, and a willingness to adjust. There are still moments where I react too quickly, where I become frustrated, or where I fall back into old patterns. But I am more aware of those moments now, and that awareness allows me to correct course more effectively.
I also recognize that many of the beliefs and reactions I have are not things I consciously chose—they were shaped over time through past experiences. Some of them feel automatic, almost like default settings. But just because something feels automatic does not mean it is fixed.
The more I notice these patterns, the more opportunity I have to change them.
Ultimately, my purpose is to use my relationship as a way to become more grounded, more self-aware, and more aligned with the kind of partner I want to be. Not perfect, but intentional. Not reactive, but thoughtful. Not fixed, but continually improving.
VISION
My ideal relationship is both passionate and exciting, yet stable, comfortable, and reliable—a relationship that I can count on. I want to love my wife deeply, not just in words but in how I show up every day. I want to adore her, and I want her to feel that. I want us to respect each other, to be proud of each other, and to genuinely value the life we are building together.
At the same time, I recognize that a relationship like this does not happen automatically. It requires attention, effort, and a willingness on my part to grow.
I want to continue improving how I communicate. There should be dignity in the way that I communicate, especially during difficult moments. In the past, there have been times where I have raised my voice or reacted too quickly—those moments do not reflect the kind of partner I want to be. Raising my voice, for example, is not a constructive or respectful way to communicate, and it is something I actively work to avoid.
I am also learning to better interpret situations before reacting to them. If Jennifer turns away or leaves the room during a disagreement, it does not necessarily mean that she does not care or is avoiding the issue. It may simply mean that she needs time to process. I want to give space for that possibility instead of immediately assuming the worst.
I visualize being able to understand my relationship more clearly—to see patterns, to recognize when I am reacting instead of responding, and to become more intentional in how I show up. I want to be able to identify moments where I may be triggered and take the time to understand why, rather than letting those moments dictate my behavior.
I want us to be aligned—to feel like we are on the same team. That means giving each other the benefit of the doubt, especially in moments where it would be easier not to. It means recognizing that disagreements are not about winning or losing, but about understanding and moving forward together.
There are many things that can disrupt a relationship—jealousy, insecurity, unnecessary conflict, or misunderstandings. I want to continue working toward minimizing those patterns by improving how I think, communicate, and respond. Not by ignoring problems, but by addressing them in a more thoughtful and constructive way.
I also want to be intentional about creating a relationship that is enjoyable—not just functional. A relationship that includes connection, shared experiences, and time together that is meaningful. That means prioritizing time, attention, and presence.
Responsibility is an important part of this vision. I expect my partner to take responsibility for her actions, and I hold myself to that same standard. That includes taking responsibility for my words, my tone, and my behavior—especially in moments where it would be easier to deflect or justify.
The quality of a relationship is influenced by the daily habits within it. Small, consistent actions matter. Communicating clearly. Listening fully. Showing appreciation. Demonstrating love in both small and meaningful ways. These are things I want to be intentional about, not occasional.
I want to express appreciation regularly—not just feeling it, but communicating it. Letting Jennifer know not only that I appreciate her, but why. I want to pay attention to the balance between criticism and appreciation and make sure that appreciation is consistently present.
I also want to handle disagreements more effectively. Conflict is inevitable, but how it is handled makes a significant difference. When emotions escalate, it becomes more difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively. In those moments, it is important for me to recognize what is happening and step back if needed, rather than continuing in a way that is unproductive.
I want to become better at pausing, at allowing emotions to settle, and then returning to the conversation with more clarity. That is something I am still working on.
I want to build a relationship where both of us feel heard, respected, and supported. Where communication is direct but respectful. Where honesty is present, but so is care.
I also recognize that this relationship is not just about the two of us—it is something that my son observes and learns from. I want to model what a healthy, respectful relationship looks like. Not a perfect one, but one where there is accountability, growth, and mutual respect.
Ultimately, I want a relationship where we continue to grow—both individually and together. Where we support each other, challenge each other in constructive ways, and build something that is meaningful and lasting.
This is not something that is achieved once and then maintained without effort. It is something that requires continuous attention and adjustment. It is something I am actively working toward.
STRATEGY
My strategy is to pay attention, remain aware, and be willing to change my mind.
My relationship with Jennifer is one of the most important areas where this applies. It reflects how I communicate, how I respond to stress, and how I show up in the moments that matter most. Because of that, it often reveals things that I might not otherwise notice about myself—especially in moments where I have a strong emotional reaction.
When I notice that I am having an emotional response to something—especially frustration, irritation, or anger—that is usually a signal to pause. In the past, I did not always pause. I would react quickly, often assuming that I understood exactly what was happening and why. That approach rarely led to a good outcome.
Now, I try to step back and become more aware of what I am feeling before responding. That does not mean suppressing emotion or ignoring it—it means allowing it to be there without immediately attaching a fixed explanation to it. For example, instead of assuming “I am upset because of what just happened,” I try to recognize that I am upset, and then take the time to understand why.
There is often more beneath the surface than the immediate situation.
In many cases, what initially appears to be the issue is not actually the core issue. A disagreement about something small—like timing, plans, or communication—can sometimes reflect a deeper interpretation, such as feeling unimportant, unheard, or misunderstood. Those interpretations are not always accurate, but they can feel very real in the moment.
Recognizing this has been an important part of my growth.
When emotions begin to escalate, it becomes more difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively. In those moments, continuing the conversation without pause can lead to saying things that are not helpful or that do not reflect how I actually want to show up. Because of that, one of my strategies is to step away when necessary—to allow time for emotions to settle before re-engaging.
This is something I am still working on. There are still times where I react too quickly or stay engaged in a conversation longer than I should in that state. But I am becoming more aware of those moments and improving over time.
In addition to short-term awareness, I also try to look at longer-term patterns.
If something continues to come up in my relationship—if I find myself repeatedly thinking, “I wish this would stop happening”—then it is worth examining more closely. Patterns are rarely random. They often point to something that I have experienced before, something I have done, or something I have interpreted in a particular way over time.
One example of this is reliability.
There have been times where I have felt frustrated when someone says they will do something and then does not follow through. That frustration feels immediate and justified in the moment. But when I take a step back and look at it more closely, I can see that it connects to my own past.
During my time running a modeling agency, I often told people that I would pay them on a certain day, even when I knew the funds were not yet available. At the time, that felt like the least harmful option. Saying “I will pay you on Tuesday” felt more manageable than admitting that I could not pay them at all in that moment. From my perspective then, it felt like a necessary decision.
Looking back, I can see that this created a pattern of unreliability, regardless of the intention behind it.
Recognizing that connection helps me respond differently in the present. Instead of reacting immediately with frustration, I can approach the situation with more context and awareness. It does not mean that reliability is unimportant, but it does change how I interpret and respond to it.
Another important part of my strategy is recognizing that my initial interpretation of a situation is not always accurate.
There have been many instances where I assumed I understood what something meant, only to later realize that I had misinterpreted it. Because of that, I try to remain open to alternative explanations, especially in moments where I feel strongly about something.
This does not mean ignoring problems or avoiding communication. It means approaching situations with curiosity rather than certainty.
Emotions also provide useful information, but they are not always precise explanations. Fear, for example, may signal that something feels uncertain or threatening. Anger may signal that a boundary feels crossed. But those signals still require interpretation, and that interpretation is not always correct on the first attempt.
Because of that, I try to separate the feeling from the conclusion.
I also work to recognize patterns in my own behavior that I continue to improve:
reacting too quickly
assuming intent without full information
bringing past experiences into present situations
becoming defensive instead of listening
These are habits, not fixed traits, and they can be changed with awareness and effort.
At a practical level, my strategy includes several consistent actions:
Communicating more clearly and directly, especially about expectations.
Listening fully—without interrupting or preparing a response while the other person is speaking.
Taking responsibility for my tone, my words, and my reactions.
Expressing appreciation regularly, not just feeling it internally but communicating it.
Being present—giving full attention during conversations and shared time.
Handling disagreements more thoughtfully, including stepping away when needed and returning with a clearer mindset.
Making it a priority to repair quickly after conflict, rather than allowing distance or frustration to build.
I also recognize the importance of creating an environment where Jennifer feels comfortable communicating openly. That includes being attentive, being present, and avoiding reactions that might discourage open communication.
There have been times where I have not done this well—where I have overreacted or not listened as fully as I should have. That is something I continue to work on.
Another important part of this strategy is consistency. Small, daily actions matter more than occasional large efforts. Demonstrating appreciation, showing attention, and maintaining connection on a regular basis are what build a strong foundation over time.
So, the real issue is not about dinner being overcooked—that’s just kind of the external reason; the real issue is that I am not important enough to be listened to. Everything will always reduce down to what this means about me—a feeling of I’m not important; I’m not good enough; I’m not something or another enough. And that is the sword in the side. That’s the wound that’s being triggered. That’s just a big lie and it’s a lie that I’m unimportant.
Jennifer could not only be thirty minutes late; she could never show up again. And that would have nothing to do with my lovingness, my importance, my right to be here. Yes, it might be a little bit annoying that something is a little overcooked or it’s softer or it’s harder. But the real issue is that this is being interpreted as I’m unloved and unimportant. That’s what the real upset is about.
Once I have discovered that this is the real issue about dinner, then I must realize that this is what got programmed into me when I was an infant. This is what I came into the world with—a notion that I’m not important and not worthy. This is my responsibility; this is my guilt; this is my issue.
When it comes to conflict, I try to remember that the goal is not to win an argument, but to understand and move forward. In the past, I have approached disagreements in ways that were more about proving a point than resolving the issue. That is something I have become more aware of and continue to improve.
I also recognize that I am not at the mercy of external situations or other people’s behavior. While I cannot control everything that happens, I do have control over how I respond. That awareness is important, because it shifts the focus from trying to control outcomes to improving my own responses.
My emotions are a key part of this process. They provide insight into what I am experiencing in the moment. If I pay attention to them without immediately reacting, they can help guide me toward a better understanding of what is actually going on.
Ultimately, my strategy is not about being perfect. It is about becoming more aware, more intentional, and more consistent over time.
It is about recognizing where I fall short, learning from it, and continuing to improve.
