Chapter 08
My social life
PREFACE
As a young adult, my life was different than most everyone else’s. Starting college, I had friends, but it seemed a little more difficult to maintain that friendship because I was also just starting to run the model agency in London, England.
By the start of my second year of college my work at the model agency was more than a fulltime job and although I would attend some classes, I would run out of the door and get back to the office as soon as I could. Any friends from college were soon forgotten and instead my “friends” were my work colleagues—models, agents, employees—some I liked, but many, if I am honest, I did not.
Generally, as a young adult, I mostly became insulated from friends—I just didn’t have time for people my age, unless I could get something out of it. That attitude continued throughout my twenties and thirties and my social life was on my time frame only. I generally didn’t make plans ahead of time—that would require a commitment—but I was happy to see folks down at the local bar if they happened to be there.
The handful of friends that I have now mean the world to me. I view them very different than I viewed other folks over the past forty-plus years.
Dwight, my father-in-law (actually, he is the father of my ex-wife) was the best man at my wedding to Jennifer—because he is the best example of a human being that I know. I look up to him like no other and he is an amazing example of love.
My other friends are all part of Sunday Supper Club (I will explain that later). Rolf, a UPS Pilot is the “crazy” one—his sense of humor is like no other—often inappropriate but always appreciated; Dr. Jane, his wife, is the voice of reason who would do anything for any of us. Sam, a former Kentucky State Police officer, is like the cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn—with a heart of gold, and Harriette, a former social worker is the oldest of all of us in years but is the youngest at heart—she is the adventurous one.
And so now, my small group of friends are real friends. People whom I love and would bend over backwards to help in any way.
PREMISE
I now recognize that I enjoy spending time with my Sunday Supper Club folks and Dwight, and so being time-consuming is not a problem. Energy-consuming would be normal if I’m trying to get something from having this social group and I’m not getting it or if I’m not being authentic in some way. If I’ve got my guard up or if I’m being disingenuous, then indeed, all of those things would be exhausting—but just being with somebody that I am delighted to be with does not. Indeed it tends to be energy-generating in a way. In general, when I am with somebody that I enjoy being with, then time just flies. This is certainly now the case with this select group of friends.
Friends, just like my love relationship and my relationship with my son, enable me to discover and then release guilt. Relationships with friends show me what the errors are in my beliefs; they show me things that I believe are false. Anything that has to do with wrongness or guilt or smallness or unlovability etc. is a programming error and my relationship with friends will show that because the behavior of another is going to show me what I have put there to see.
Friends can develop parts of me. I can forgive myself and improve myself through other people—because they act as a mirror towards me. Rather than leaving it all for my wife, Jennifer, to show me, I can allow friends to also be a mirror and show me things, without the need for pain and distress. Of course, it’s not so much that I allow them to be the mirror—no, they automatically are the mirror—it’s not like I give them permission to be the mirror. All that I need to do is just pay attention. FYI, if I fail to pay attention, then it’s just a waste because I must be proactive.
Great friendships require time, work, and investment. With some people, I would just spend an evening with; others I invest. In a way, I become like my friends too—which is why I choose carefully—their values will rub off on me. My friends can give me a fresh perspective on who I really am, and they should uplift, value, respect, and see me for who I am, too.
Every time I’m interacting with somebody, I really want them to know that they aren’t guilty, that they haven’t ruined themselves. That’s the main thing that I need to keep in mind when I’m interacting with my friends—and when I’ve got that goal set ahead of time, regardless of what the nature of the interaction is about, then I will notice a big shift in my life.
My full attention should be on the fact that they don’t deserve to be punished, that they’re not guilty and that they’re more than they think they are. It’s not like I must give them a big lecture or anything, but rather, it’s that I hold that about them in my own mind and the more I hold that about them in my own mind, the safer and better I will feel because what I am wanting for them is in my mind; I will experience it too.
VISION
My vision has changed since I started writing this Lifebook. I have spent most of my life with acquaintances—folks whom I met at a bar, work friends, etc. Most of my social life revolved around whatever was convenient for me at the time. I certainly wasn’t one for making plans, or even accepting invites.
When Covid came, everything changed. I would no longer go out to a bar; I would no longer go to events or restaurants. Surprisingly I was fine with that. As Covid restrictions dragged on in time, the people whom I missed became more apparent to me. It was Sunday Supper Club that I missed—a small collection of boat neighbors—Rolf and Jane; Sam and Harriette (and myself and Jennifer). The social interactions with these people and Dwight were what I missed.
Sunday Supper Club was named that because during the winter months when all three of our boats were winterized (meaning all freezable fluids are removed—which temporarily renders the boat immovable) we would still get together but each of us would, in-turn, choose a restaurant and we would all dine there together. We have also travelled together—either all six of us or just four of us. Post vaccination, our relationship is stronger; we routinely tell each other that we love and appreciate each other, and we routinely go out of our ways to help each other.
In fact, this small group of friends is so important to me that I purchased another boat as a primary way of keeping us all together (it had served as the “club house” if you will, for all of us for many years, and when it had to be sold, I gladly purchased it).
This is my vision—and it is what I have now. I visualize being able to travel more with this small group. I visualize having second homes together—a small commune with four second homes—one for each of us and a fourthh for guests or as a club house for us.
There is, of course, one person missing—Dwight. Whilst my relationship with this man is very good and indeed he was the best man at my wedding—simply because he is the best man that I know, the best being that I know and someone whom I strive to be like. I visualize spending more time with Dwight and being more communicative to him. I visualize being a better friend to him too.
I think that the feeling of an energy drain that I used to feel with respect to my social life was related to resistance of some kind and the resistance to reaching out to friends feels like it was a defense, i.e., like somehow doing that was associated with either rejection or uncertainty—something that didn’t make me feel safe—compared to if I just go and have a drink with some stranger in a bar (because what he sees or doesn’t see, doesn’t really matter.).
So, what was the potential danger or what was it that seemed to get in the way where outreach was just sort of presumed? It now seems obvious that I was pushing something away—because, after all, that’s what resistance is. And we only push things away when we feel like it’s dangerous or unsatisfactory in some way. Of course, I don’t think that an interaction with Dwight would be unsatisfactory. That’s certainly not the case—I have too many wonderful encounters with him. So, what was it that seemed like it might be a little unsafe to do? That’s a different thing than just not wanting to.
Maybe, after my divorce, I subconsciously felt insignificant or less significant or less good than Dwight?
It’s like if I don’t make these overtures and really spend time with people, then they can’t find out what’s the matter with me because everybody starts out in life thinking that there’s something wrong with them, that there’s something undeserving or that they are not lovable, etc. Unfortunately, that’s the sort of stuff that got baked into me when I was just an infant and so perhaps, right after my divorce, I was afraid that somehow I would come across as not measuring up to him?
This built-in fear or reserve or withdrawing is not done at a conscious mind-decision level but rather it is much more built in and is the result of what I do to feel safe. It’s not like I thought it out in these words with my intellect but rather it’s more of an automatic reaction to, “I’m safer if I’m not seen (by seen, I don’t mean being seen physically, but being seen in terms of who I am or what I am). So, if I am not around anybody or not too close to anybody or am not really involved with anybody, then they can’t see me, so to speak.
Even though this was not necessarily thought out or articulated in my infancy or my early years, that’s the way it gets wired in—some things are just too dangerous to do and because so much of it is unconscious, it will still drive my behavior and my choices as an adult—but I’ve lost track of where it comes from. I just lived with the idea that I’m a little safer if I didn’t reach out. I’m a little safer if I don’t get too close to people—it was a survival mechanism from my early teen life.
I can’t just undo a survival mechanism with just a snap of my fingers, and it be like “Oh yeah, I get it. I’m not going to do that anymore.” No, this is a process and not an event, but the process of letting go of something requires that I see what it is. And that is what I have done specifically with Dwight, post Covid-19.
When I say, “I really hold Dwight in such high regard,” the implication is that I don’t think that I hold myself in such high regard as I do him.
Everybody’s got their own little particular way of trying to stay safe, which is the same thing as trying to survive when I was a little kid. I found that when I actively reached out to him, it was a way to break through this defense strategy, and to just face the fear and do it anyway. It was an opportunity to be fully present—even though it seemed intimidating.
Doing something that seems really frightening to do, even though I may not realize the fright, doing it means that I am free of the issue forever. That is the thing that’s such a shame about living out my learned defense strategies. Although it may be a little intimidating for a very short time period—when I finally stop and realize what I’ve done to myself over all of these years, then, all of a sudden, I am permanently free from it.
It’s not something that can be resolved intellectually, it’s only resolved by doing what seems scary—so over the last few years, when I have invited Dwight to do something with me, it’s from the presumption that I am an equal to him, because that is the actual truth.
It’s as if there was a hypnotic spell over me that said that “I can’t be too much around these people that I admire because my own flaws or lack are going to be too evident.” And however uncomfortable that might have seemed, it was over within just a few minutes. It only took me ten minutes to break the hypnotic spell by just entering in as an equal. When I got to the other side of it, I couldn’t even believe that I had imprisoned myself this way. What’s more, once a hypnotic spell is broken, it doesn’t come back; it’s not like out of nowhere, I am hypnotized again.
This made a big difference in all my relationships—not just with Dwight and naturally, if I break unfortunate beliefs about myself, then I am going to see other people differently—because I am always projecting onto others what I think is going on with myself. If I change what I think I am about, then, all of a sudden, people in general will seem to be nicer and more friendly and more available and more cooperative, etc., but it starts with me because I am the one who determines the nature of my relationships with others.
PURPOSE
My relationship with my friends, therefore, enables me to discover and then release guilt. They are going to show me what the errors are in my beliefs and show me things that I believe but are actually false. Anything that has to do with wrongness or guilt or smallness or unlovability, etc., is a programming error and my relationship with my friends will show these errors because the behavior of another is going to show me what I have put there to see. I want to use my relationship with my friends as a looking glass so that I can forgive myself and in so doing, improve my relationship with them.
Interestingly, my experience, thus far at least is that I feel like the relationship with my friends is not as effective in showing me emotional things that must be healed. Of course, I do more with my wife than with anybody else, which may explain this feeling. The relationship with my friends can be as effective in helping me see behaviors or processes, etc.—it just may not have the same emotions attached to it as it would with my wife, Jennifer—because different kinds of things are being mirrored. In other words, a friend wouldn’t mirror the things that would put me in the same emotional place as my wife might.
The Grant study of Adult development by Harvard
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study
George Vaillant, who directed the Grant study of Adult development for more than three decades, published a summation of the key insights the study has yielded:
“Alcoholism is a disorder of great destructive power,” he said, and alcoholism was the main cause of divorce between the Grant Study’s men and their wives. It strongly correlates with neurosis and depression, which tended to follow alcohol abuse, rather than precede it. Together with associated cigarette smoking, it was the single greatest contributor to their early morbidity and death.
The study indicated that Financial success depended on the warmth of relationships and [surprisingly] above a certain level, not on intelligence. Those who scored highest on measurements of warm relationships earned an average of $141,000 a year more at their peak salaries (usually between ages fifty-five and sixty).
Of course, I already know that these two things cannot be causative because financial success must be as a result of a good internal attitude, so, perhaps what I am instead seeing is that a good internal attitude leads to warm relationships which in turn leads to financial success.
The study also showed that there was no significant difference in maximum income earned by men with IQs in the 110–115 range and men with IQs higher than 150.
It showed that political mindedness correlates with intimacy: aging liberals have more sex. The most-conservative men ceased sexual relations at an average age of sixty-eight whilst the most-liberal men had active sex lives into their eighties. Again, there is cause and effect where one is clearly not causing the other—but I would imagine that more liberal men are more in line with loving their neighbor
The warmth of a childhood relationship with one’s mother matters long into adulthood: Men who had warm childhood relationships with their mothers earned an average of $87,000 more a year than men whose mothers were uncaring. Men who had poor childhood relationships with their mothers were much more likely to develop dementia when old. Additionally, even late into their professional lives, men’s boyhood relationships with their mothers—but not with their fathers—was associated with effectiveness at work.
It was further noted that the warmth of childhood relationships with one’s mother had no significant bearing on life satisfaction at seventy-five. The warmth of childhood relationship with fathers, however, correlated with lower rates of adult anxiety, greater enjoyment of vacations, and increased life satisfaction at age seventy-five.
George Vaillant’s main conclusion was that the warmth of relationships throughout life has the greatest positive impact on life satisfaction. Put differently, Vaillant says the study shows that “Happiness is love.” Full stop. In response to accusations that the statement was sentimental or overly general, Vaillant revisited his findings and concluded: “The short answer is L-O-V-E.” The CBC reported that the “[Grant] study proved that The Beatles were right: All You Need is Love.” It showed the correlation between the quality of personal relationships and health, happiness, and financial success.
STRATEGY
I can consciously differentiate between the people who I want to be in my life and those with whom I don’t. I can also get crystal clear on my social values—values and attributes that I want to experience from people
What can’t I live without?
• Kindness.
• Respectability.
• Responsibility.
What do I not want?
• Flakiness.
• Neediness.
• Constant calling / messaging.
• Changing one’s mind.
• Unreliability.
• Negativity / complaining.
• Drunkenness.
Note: in my group of six others (as noted), I cannot really think of an instance where I was particularly bothered by any of these negative attributes. Instead, this is a general reflection on most anyone else whom I may meet and socialize with. I, therefore, feel pretty blessed to have such wonderful friends.
If something is bothering me, then it means that I must be holding on to guilt. Flakiness may be guilt associated with my time at the model agency—where my word meant nothing. Neediness is not to be confused with someone being in need. I think that this bothers me perhaps because of former relationships that were needy, and I was not giving my partners what they were looking for. Perhaps I still hold onto guilt for this? Constant calling/messaging—it is really the same as neediness; and changing one’s mind and unreliability—again, these are along the same lines as flakiness.
As someone who drinks, this last attribute might, on the surface, be hypocritical or otherwise odd. But I am rarely drunk, I honestly don’t like the feeling. But it is worthwhile noticing that it made the list. I suspect, just like the other attributes—that I am holding on to guilt about my own behavior. The less that these things bother me the better—it means that I am letting go.
I might ask about my friends, “Do they inspire me? Do they contribute to my life? Do they reflect my stated values?” Most of all understand that if I am feeling a particular way about a person then I need to take responsibility for that. It is not up to others to make me feel a certain way.
Once I change my mind, then people who annoy or bother me will either not be in my life or will continue to be in my life but these attributes won’t bother me, or they will continue to be in my life, and they will suddenly no longer be doing those things. This is why it’s important to pay attention to my social life—it can be full of information.
Of course, as is always going to be the case, the behavior that I see in others—let’s say unreliability or people not doing what they say they’re going to do—what I’m seeing out there is something that I fear about myself, or something that I blame myself for. Whether I am actually currently doing it or not, it’s what I fear that I am or am not doing, because all of my relationships are like a mirror.
So, I could behave in a way that is not as upsetting to people as I might think it might be—they might not see what’s going on the same way that I do. But when any behavior in others is disturbing to me, then that’s when I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I really blame myself for that exact same thing.
Unfortunately, like every single one of us, I grew up without the benefit of metaphysics to help see. And so most all of us think other people’s behaviors are independent of oneself and therefore, generally, we like the people whose behavior is okay, and are going to avoid the people whose behavior isn’t. Oftentimes, I am clueless as to the absolute law that’s in effect—which is I’m the one who is determining the behavior that I selectively see in that person. This means that I can’t escape from it by escaping from that person because I’m carrying it along with me. Therefore, what I need to do is to learn from what I’m projecting onto someone else and learn that I am projecting. I need to then look at what I’m projecting so that I can see where I need to change my mind about myself.
That process is simply just the way life works. I don’t get to decide if I like that law or not; or to decide whether I will abide by it or not. No, what I see in others is what I see in myself.
What I need to ask myself is, what is it about these qualities that I don’t like? What is it that I am avoiding? I must realize that any desire to avoid them only exists because that’s what I need to take a look at within myself; look at where I need to release guilt and let go of the condemnation that I’m holding against myself for this very same behavior or words that I am trying to avoid in another.
The reason I don’t like some people or want to avoid some people might appear to be different, but it’s all driven by the same thing—something that I don’t want to look at in myself because I am afraid that it’s true . . . but it’s not true. Therefore, if I keep running away from people, especially if I notice a common pattern in people that I might tend to avoid, then that’s especially meaningful. For example, if I’ve gotten people in my life and none of them can get anywhere on time, then maybe this is showing me something that I need to look at.
Let’s say that the attribute flakiness is bothering me about someone. I should pay attention to that. It means that I am still feeling guilty about something. In this example, it would likely be because I am holding on to guilt from my time at the model agency. I would, back then, say that I would do something and not follow through with it.
If I take a look at the quality of my social network, without a doubt, I feel like the quality of the Sunday Supper Club folks are amazing. We go out of our way to be helpful to each other and to others. They are a pleasure to be around, and I enjoy most every moment that we spend together.
Dwight inspires me. I have a relationship with Dwight that I would certainly like to develop more. It can be a little tough sometimes as other things, outside of my control, may also factor into this—Dwight being the father of my ex-wife means that oftentimes I am excluded from events that I used to be included in. But I now understand and accept that it is no longer all about me, and I now no longer get bothered by that.
Travel with my friends forges a unique bond and it is the ultimate social experience. It’s something that I very much enjoy doing with Sunday Supper Club, and used to enjoy doing, on occasion with Dwight. I think perhaps that as we (Dwight, Marty, Jennifer, and myself) keep talking about taking a trip to the UK together, then maybe we should start more earnest planning. Covid-19 didn’t make that easy—but nevertheless maybe look at more solid planning?
I can have a world class mentor. I have that already in Dwight and in Carol and the most important part of my life is personal growth, searching for and getting rid of guilt. I am immensely grateful to have them both in my life and to help guide me through this journey.
I’ve discovered that I really have to focus on my friendships and consciously invest energy in this area or it’s simply not going to happen. When it comes to the people I really care about, if I don’t make a move and get assertive about spending time together, years could go by without me seeing them.
MY BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPS:
My business relationships are different than my friendships in that there is a specifically defined purpose for having these people in my life. I will identify the people with whom I need a relationship, define exactly what I hope to achieve from the relationship, and let that control my actions.
Like attracts like. Being open and honest will get me openness and honesty. Being adversarial will get me in trouble. I am in charge of giving what I want to get. It is always my top priority to be loving and kind, to help my neighbor and to try and give people my complete and undivided attention. The latter is more difficult than it sounds, but it remains a goal. I strive to give my friends, colleagues, and associates—indeed everyone with whom I have contact—my full, undivided, and loving attention, which means I, at this moment, wish him/her well and that I want only the very best for him/her. I want nothing to stand between the relationship formed in that moment.
Sometimes I notice that I am not paying attention to what is in front of me. I should remember that there’s a reason for the encounter, even if I think it’s a very mundane encounter. So why don’t I want to pay attention to whatever it is they’re saying or doing? Why am I sometimes scrolling on my phone and not paying attention to someone? It falls in the same general category as “I don’t want to hang out with someone”—due to what I think is my lack in some way and in in a case like this, where I’m just not paying attention to somebody that I’ve chosen to be with or because of a business reason, I have to be with; the real reason I am not paying attention is that I am avoiding something within myself by not paying attention to them.
The goal when I am with anybody is to want to follow my guidance and be helpful. I should also always remember that it’s safe for me to be interacting fully with that person. Anytime that I am avoiding things it is because I am trying to stay safe and so my goal is to want that person to feel safe too. I can shift my focus from protecting myself to wanting the best for others.
I can also pay compliments whenever possible so that my associates can feel important and competent (assuming that they are—and so they develop a positive association with talking to me.)
I might also ask questions—people want to talk about themselves, not me, so just let them. Forget about what I want for the moment and use questions to figure out what they want. Likewise, I should not be afraid of asking for advice or recognizing superiority in areas that others may excel at. I can also use good body language whilst keeping my aura calm, confident, responsible, and in control.
MY MOST IMPORTANT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPS:
Nathan, Gerry, Rick, John, Bhagat and David
Rick and I no longer have on-going business arrangements. We amicably cut those ties due to changes in our personal lives. LKY went back to the owner and I took all content and put it into another website. I took 100 percent ownership in EDT. I keep the satellite show up because Rick was very proud of that and he asked me to—so I just pay the ongoing costs of retaining that. Today, Rick is a friend. I should harvest that friendship because I value him as a friend.
Nathan and I do not have a paid business arrangement any longer. We worked together for about ten years and it’s been about seven years since our formal arrangement ceased. I still consider him a friend and will help him with anything that he needs. I believe, due to changes in financial circumstances that he doesn’t like to ask me for help. Nevertheless, I remain here for him. When the time is right, we will do business together again. That I am confident in.
John and I have respect for each other. I enjoy his company. We had a checkered past together—a disagreement over money—but when we sat down in court together, it was clear that neither of us wanted that to get in the way. The resolve of this issue between us was done in a loving way. I simply asked what he thought was a fair offer and I had already made up my mind to accept whatever amount (other than zero) he suggested. I didn’t counter it—I simply accepted it. His counsel /editor wasn’t thrilled, and John simply told her to be quiet and said that he had much respect for me, and her opinion was no longer required. We shook hands, settled, and have a much closer relationship because of this. We are looking for ways to make our partnership in the online parts of the magazine more profitable.
Gerry is arguably, and certainly from a fiscal point of view, my most important business relationship. Presently, Gerry is responsible for a substantial part of my income. I strive to provide value to both him personally and to the companies that I am responsible for. We don’t have much of a personal relationship and that appears to be what everyone wants.
Bhagat is my left-hand man for the Marketing Company; although he is based in India, we generally chat via an app a few times each day and I commonly extend my working day to be able to chat to him early in the morning and later at night before I go to bed. We have worked together for around ten years and he is usually very reliable and responsive. I have grown to like him very much and am grateful for the work that he does, the professionalism that he shows, and how he helps me to maintain a work balance that I very much enjoy. After all these years, Bhagat generally understands my work needs and I trust him.
David is the VP Marketing for a publicly traded company that I consult for. He is passionate about his work and I value our relationship. In typical large(r) corporation style, progress can sometimes be slow with seemingly unnecessary red-tape. I know that both David and the CEO have much respect for me and my work and I am grateful to feel valued.
